A visit to the Library

I visited the Library the other day,
The smart newly built Library in town.
Magnificent building all made of glass,
But inside the shelves look tatty;
Like they’re temporary; waiting for new shelves,
But I don’t think they are.
There are computers everywhere.
Some to work on,
Some to tell you stuff like how many books you have,
When to bring them back,
And – in my case, how much your fines come to.

Sometimes they let you off the fines.
If no-one else is waiting for the book
Or it doesn’t come to very much.
Last year I forgot a book
Left it under my bed
And I got a big fine.
Won’t do that again.

I find the computer that helps me find the book I want.
It isn’t very helpful.
Ah – Three Copies in
None reserved.
Excellent.
Go to shelf – nowhere in sight.
All the books are out of order, so I end up checking every one.
Twice.

Surely there’s no way that three people took the same book out in the time it took me to get from the computer to the shelf?

Hmmm.

Another visit to the computer
And I notice a ‘More info’ button
Which tells me exactly where the three books have got to.

One is out?
But, none reserved!
Oh reserved. Silly me.
So some one has it, but no one is waiting for it.
Ok.

And the other two?
Miles away in other Libraries the other side of town.
What’s the point in telling me what other Libraries have?
I want to know what I can get here.

One of the Libraries isn’t too far,
And I can get there on one bus,
So I decide to go.

First of all, I need to take out 2 other books I have.

You don’t need to speak to anyone,
It’s amazing.
No wonder people don’t talk to each other nowadays.
All computers’ fault.
I put my books neatly together
On the shelf in front of the screen
And swipe my card.

This is where the fun begins.

Forwards,
Backwards,
Upside down forwards,
Upside down backwards.
S l o w l y
Quickly

I must look a right idiot,
I’m glad there’s no one behind me.
They’d be tapping their feet,
Making impatient noises by now.
After the computer gives up on me twice
Because it thinks there is no one there
It works.
Suddenly.
And the full details of the books
Appear on the screen.
Magic.
Can someone please explain how they do that?
‘Magnets and lasers and stuff’
One of my friends explained vaguely
When I expressed this amazement to them.

I get on the bus and go to the other Library.
Despite being refurbished
This Library still has that proper Library smell
Like old schools
Where Stern divorced female teachers in their fifties
With a chip on their shoulder
(Probably about ‘men’)
Look over their glasses and
Bark at children all day long.

I find the book
Eventually.
Here they have better card scanners
Like in shops
Where you pass the card underneath.
One second
Beep
Done
They should get those at the other Library.

"Penny for the Guy"

This was the cry from the scruffy little urchins outside Videostar Video Shop, Queen's Park Road. Their attempt at a"guy" was pathetic compared to the guys I have made with proper clothes and newspaper and effort. I'm sorry, but a bin liner with a balloon stuck on the top makes for a pretty anorexic and pathetic-looking Guy. Maybe he was on hunger strike, I don't know.

Anyway, I ignored them as usual and entered the shop. As I walked to the door, an idea struck me. I looked through my change, and there was one shining with the gleam of possibility.

"Penny for the Guy" they repeated as I left the shop.

So I gave them one. Their immediate surprise and excitement was immediately followed by the inevitable groan of disappointment.

Why were they complaining? I wondered to myself. After all, I gave them exactly what they asked for.

Japanese banking crisis

Alas, not my own work, but still worth sharing...

BANK PROBLEMS IN JAPAN

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 hours Origami Bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut back the number of branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and will likely go for a song, while today, shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

Samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.